Larry invited me to his podcast and we spoke about marriage, as well as how we sometimes are more human doings instead of human beings and what do to change that. From their website:
If we think of marriage as a game, we immediately strategize on how to win our spouses’ hearts the way we did the very first time. The problem is that our partners grow and change throughout life. To keep dating your spouse like you did in the past is not going to work anymore. As you will hear on our show today, the game of marriage is infinite. The goal is not to win, but to keep playing.
COACHING: What can I learn by inquiring differently?
Case Study: How do I deal with complaining?
What’s the first thought you have when you hear someone complain?
“They should be grateful for what they have.”
“How can they complain when they have so much or more than me?”
“We’ve done so much for them, and now they’re complaining?”
Complaining seems like an ever-present reality. Like with any limiting pattern of thinking we feel stuck in, if we inquire more deeply we’re bound to find some new angle on it. This is especially true of complaining. It takes discipline and hesitation to stay curious when someone is complaining. This is true whether we hear others complaining or we’re complaining ourselves. It’s easier to see the ways others get stuck in limiting patterns. It requires discipline for us to use that as a mirror for the ways we also get stuck in limiting patterns.
When somebody complains, we usually assume that the complainer is either entitled, wronged, lazy. We figure they just need to vent or get it off their chest, that there may be no way of fixing it so we should just let them winge on and get it out of their system.
The problem with this?
Complaining doesn’t get it out of their system, this kind of venting rarely ventilates the system.
Complaining to others actually creates a shared system with the listener, and keeps the negative energy circulating inside of it.
Have you considered that complainers may actually just be disappointed? People complain because something that matters to them isn’t going as they expected. Rather than claim that expectation, and how much it matters to them, they complain about it.
Developmental psychologists Kegan and Lahey (2001) explain that behind every complaint, is a commitment. Inquire into what’s behind the complaint, and we’ll most likely find a commitment to something that matters to us. We may not even realize how committed we are to a certain expectation, until it goes unfulfilled, gets disappointed, or is offended in some way. If you hear yourself or others complaining, congratulations, you just found a committed person!
Now to find out what that commitment is…
This was a collaboration with the Better Human Project. From their website:
Dr. Cara Miller is a developmental coach who works as a personal and organizational consultant. Now that we’ve gotten the requisite “what do you do” title behind us, we can say that Dr. Miller transcends categorization as a mindset guru. In this episode we discuss the path to being and doing better, the importance of [...]
Each month I give away some of the knowledge I teach to my individual coaching clients to my newsletter subscribers. I’m ready to evolve my practice and make the way I coach available to more people. YOU are the benefactor of my growing edge and business practice. Every month I’ll offer developmental practices and perspectives to grow your grow capacity for more purposeful sense-making in work and relationships. I'll put some of what I share on the blog, but for the whole deal, sign up for my monthly newsletter, Free Coaching!
COACHING: What can I learn?
What is Developmental Coaching?
Developmental Coaching increases your capacity for making sense of your experiences. At the same time it drives your continued adaptation to those experiences as they change. A Developmental Coach simultaneously helps you address your here-and-now circumstances with more perspectives, while ensuring that the decisions and actions you make based on those perspectives lead you toward the adaptive, expanded, next expression of yourself.
If the moves you make now only solve for now, you’ll always be playing catch up. If the moves you make now take into consideration what you might need for the future, then they are useful now, they are equipping you for later, and saving you adaptation energy as you grow.
This was a collaboration with the Black Flag Radio podcast. From their website:
Prepare yourself for the Dr. Cara Miller and Logan Gelbrich experience. Through a first hand exploration of their dynamic relationship we get an insight into how we can use old concepts in a new way, how to find benefit in learning from all view points as well as opposing perspectives, what really matters in developing and how to have an impact in our relationships, and what are the right questions to ask of ourselves and each other in our interactions. We also tour a forest, play capture the flag, find out have to have more fun at dinner parties, and what could be better than drugs.
This was a collaboration with the Feed Me Fuel Me podcast. From their website:
Dr. Cara Miller, MDiv, PhD is a developmental psychologist and performance coach. This week we dive deep into the psychology of the space between where you are, and where you actually want to be. Dr. Miller goes for it in this episode, taking Mycal Anders through an exercise that exposes a very deep subconscious negative feedback loop that has been inhibiting his ability to grow for quite some time.
This was a collaboration with the Impact Entrepreneur podcast. From their website:
Cara Miller doesn’t choose when and where to make inquiry about her impact – she’s awake to her purpose every day, and using her coaching skills to help others make better sense of the world, become more useful, and be of greater service.